ExoMars Takes a Staycation

While India's first lunar probe zips through the stratosphere toward glory, the European Space Agency's ExoMars Rover will look on jealously from the ground, which is where it will be for at least the next eight years after the mission, scheduled for 2013, was pushed back three more years. The reason behind this latest postponement is the same behind the recent dulling of ambitious projects worldwide - money, money, money.

Since it's inception as a simple, bare bones mission to the Red Planet, the ExoMars Rover has been run through a space version of Pimp My Ride, acquiring advanced labarotory capabilities to analyze the martian environment, as well as a drill to take deeper core samples. All these bells and whistles have caused the cost of the project to balloon from an initial estimate of 650 million euros to 1.2 billion euros as of today. Italy, who has taken the lead on financing the project, has cried uncle, and since no other nation has ponied up to help the ExoMars Rover liftoff, the rover is in a holding pattern for now.

Hitler Bad, Stalin... Good?

I don't know how this came up last night, (though I'd wager it had something to do with whiskey) but I still feel pretty strongly that it's a topic that merits discussion. In the wake of WWII, America had experienced so much loss that a few things were bound to slip through the cracks, never to be grieved over by families or historians. But there's one small loss, mostly unmourned, that we still have the power to reclaim. I'm talking, of course, about the toothbrush moustache, the bushy tuft of hair directly that sits directly beneath the nose. It's also known as the Chaplin moustache, or The Tramp if you're feeling nasty. And of course, it's also known as the moustache worn by Hitler as he declared war on the world and carried out the most horrific genocides of the 20th century.

This once respected little tuft of facial hair, the moustache's classy answer to the soul patch, has fallen drastically out of favor in the west. Of course, we have Hitler to thank for this, because now no one can sport this lean lip buddy without people comparing them to history's greatest monster. In simple terms, folks, that ain't right. Why should we all be denied the option of free choice in facial hair just because it was worn by a power mad mass murderer? It's enough to ma you wonder just who really won WWII. Because until we, as a society, as a nation, take back the moustache that is rightfully ours, we haven't really beaten the Nazis.

So I'm calling for a mass return to the Toothbrush Moustache. If anyone gives you a line about wearing a Hitler 'stache, you just tell them that, actually, it was a Chaplin first, and then ask if they have any problem with one of Hollywood's most gifted early filmmakers and comic actors. Almost no one does. Hitler took it from us, and damn it, it's time for all Americans regardless of race, color, creed or political affiliation, to stand up and take back what's theirs.

One the other side of the world, but remaining in the "Tyrannical Mass Murderers with Notable Facial Hair", Josef Stalin has been moved from the most popular Russian in history to only the 12th, after an adjustment of the voting system by executives in charge of the poll, taken for the upcoming Russian history TV show "The Name of Russia". Which is better, but the fact that I guy responsible for the mass extermination and starvation of countless civilians under his rule still makes your Twelve Best Historical Figures list still says something a bit disheartening for the state of contemporary Russia.

If A High life Man Falls In The Forest, You Will Not Hear Him Complain

Miller High Life (full disclosure: totally my brand) has brought back it's "limited-edition fall series" ad campaign, bringing you six packs of tall boys in camouflage printed cans perfect for your upcoming fall sporting event. Read: beer that is specially designed for your hunting trip.

For those of you playing along at home, this means High Life has upped the ante on it's own campaign last year of hunter's vest orange cans sold in 24 or 30 can hunting themed cases. But this time around, you can not only get drunker while firing rifles into dense undergrowth - you can be effectively invisible while doing it.

Now, I didn't grow up hunting, unless you can stretch your definition of the sport to stalking Pink Demons through digital labyrinths, so maybe I just don't get it. I mean, I've been on my fair share of fishing expeditions, and I understand the important role that beer can play in the sporting life. The difference being that I'm not likely to mortally wound a dear friend with a rod or reel, unless, I suppose, I was trying really hard. And I know, that, whether I understand it or not, and whether or not it appeals to my admittedly sissified liberal sensibilities, people are going to discharge high powered rifles while drinking heavily, and thus, beer companies are going to base multi-million dollar advertising campaigns, and even brands, around just that pastime. Fine.

But really, camouflage? Did the deer catch on to the orange cans? Are the creatures of the forest this much smarter than us? Have we fallen so far, that we can't even afford the luxury of being able to see one another while we drink and shoot guns? That can't say anything good.

Gearing Up to Lawyer Up?

I listened to the debate on the radio last night, and thus didn't catch a lot of the facial expressions that McCain was being docked for by analysts. In clips this morning, I see what people were talking about. The Arizona senators aggressiveness was accompanied by an unattractive edginess, something that was especially unbecoming considering the Obama campaigns recent charges of McCain's erratic personality. And that look on TV is something that matters to viewers. Just ask Richard Nixon. That's interesting, because as I listened, I had the thing scored mostly a tie, and it was definitely McCain's best performance - he was on message and on the offensive, and nastiness aside, he did well, though he didn't deliver the game changing performance that common sense says he needed to.

That said, when you base your last month of campaign ads and your entire debate strategy on calling your opponent's readiness and reputation into question, it's hard to put all nastiness aside. I was particularly struck by this startlingly strong comment by McCain that was almost lost in the sea of references to an Ohio plumber last night. (Italics mine)

We need to know the full extent of Senator Obama's relationship with ACORN, who is now on the verge of maybe perpetrating one of the greatest frauds in voter history in this country, maybe destroying the fabric of democracy.

Now, we all expected McCain to be on the attack, and he was. But this line seems like it carries something more. It's the sort of thing I would say if I was staring down the barrel of a loss in the November election and was considering challenging vote counts in close states. With the GOP turning all of their guns on McCain's former friends at ACORN, and McCain himself now talking about the threat to the basic fabric of American democracy that the group represents, it wouldn't be shocking to learn that the campaign was preparing the paperwork for a Bush v Gore style contention.

Am I being too cynical? I certainly hope so. But with raids being carried out on registration offices already, I don't think a challenge of at least one close state is out of the question, though that decision may rest in how close the election ends up being on November 4th.

Protecting Us From Ourselves and Each Other

Just about any handgun you can buy these days comes with a safety on it. The safety, as it's name suggests, is a neat little device that, when activated, prevents a trigger pull from firing the weapon. And it's a common feature on handguns because people are, by and large, stupid and irresponsible, which leads to us doing things that are stupid and irresponsible while wielding handguns. And if you have to let stupid, irresponsible people have dangerous things that they probably don't really need, then it's at least a good idea and more akin to a public service to at least include an off switch.

And while firearms manufacturers grudgingly arrived at this idea years ago, other industries are just now catching on to the fact that, regardless of what your local Bob Barr supporter will tell you, we do occasionally need protection from ourselves and the stupid, clumsy or ill advised things we get up to. This is the same reasoning that last week brought us a Gmail widget that makes you think twice before sending that slightly plowed rant to you boss or ill advised declaration of true and undying love to your ex. And it's presumably the motive behind the DriveAssist software system from Canadian tech firm Aegis Mobility, a nifty piece of gadgetry for your cell phone that senses when you're driving, forwards your calls to voicemail and won't allow you to call out while you're piloting a half ton of metal and plastic at sixty miles an hour down the freeway. There are certainly plenty of things to work out about the technology, which will be available as a monthly subscription service in the United Kingdom early next year. For one thing, a pay service will probably wind up appealing only to those responsible drivers who need this respite the most.

And there are bound to be technical kinks to work out as well. Will it let you talk on the phone when you're on a bus or train. What about when you're just riding in a car? And there's the rather creepy matter of it being able to tell callers where you are when they call, a cringe inducing feature that will lead to no shortage of uncomfortable explanations from philandering spouses, to be sure. But just like a safety, it's an imperfect solution to but one symptom of the seemingly intractable problem of humans being, but I'd rather someone have it than not.

Signs of the Times

One day, when I am grey and crotchety and nostalgic, I will sit down with my children's children and tell them stories of simpler times, of happier times. I'll tell them about the blue skies we once lived under, about iPhones that were not nestled cozily within our frontal lobes, and about how peanut butter was once made of actual peanuts, instead of orphans and caulk. And I'll tell them a whimsical story about a time when the National Debt Clock in Times Square needed a mere thirteen digits to record the amount of money we owed to other nations.

"Sure, Grandpa," my platinum blond, telepathic descendants will yawn. "Next you'll be telling us that there was a time when humanity didn't live in constant, mortal terror of destruction at the cybernetically enhanced hands of Pacman Jones."

"No, children," I will sigh, my head bowed in sorrow for the thousands lost the night Jones levelled poor, defenseless Tallahassee. "No. Twas always thus."

The Name Game

So on the heels of the less-disatrous-than-it-could-have-been VP debate, the McCain Palin campaign has seemingly come to the conclusion that they simply cannot win this election on the issues, a reading of political tea leaves that coincides with recent electoral maps, including Karl Rove's own. So instead, they are going to go big with every smear they can dig up, starting with former radical leftist Bill Ayers, a fellow resident of Obama's Hyde Park neighborhood who has sponsored a couple of fundraisers for the candidate when he was running for state senate in Illinois. Look for Chicago area developer Tony Rezko to be making an appearance in McCain campaign literature shortly, and even though McCain himself has declared the much maligned Rev. Wright off limits, it's not a huge stretch to think we'll see that ground tread a few more times before the 4th of November.

But just as pepople in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, people who have cast their lot alongsidescandalized S&L bankers maybe shouldn't bring up rivals dealings with less than savory characters. In a refreshing swing back at the dirty politics of the McCain campaign, which is so sadly reminiscent of the same mudslinging that derailed The Maverick's Straight Talk Express in 2000, the Obama camp is releasing a thirteen minute documentary on the Keating Five corruption investigation. And one can assume we'll also be hearing more about Sarah Barracuda's cozy relationship with the secessionist Alaskan Independence Party, of which First Dude Todd Palin was a longtime member. Palin has spoken several times at conventions for the party, most recently earlier this year, and has courted the votes of it's members, many of whom still hold a special place in their hearts for party founder Joe Vogler, who hated America so much that he "wouldn't be buried under their damn flag." Interesting fact: was interred in the Yukon Territory following his death during what has been described as a botched plastic explosives buy. Now, having no overriding interest in the overthrow of the government, I wouldn't know what a plastic explosives buy looks like, botched or not. But I would wager that if it goes well at all...you should survive it?