I understand the urge to explore the last unexplored regions of the world. I do. And I get that exploring a huge mountain range buried underneath a sheet of ice is an exceptionally tempting scientific plum. But as anyone who knows their Lovecraft, this is simply not a good idea.
Nevertheless, Robin Bell intends to do just that. Bell, a marine geophysicist, will lead an expedition to the Gamburtsev Mountains later this month, purportedly to "image and to understand the ice sheet and the mountain range." And I'm sure that she doesn't want to unleash a flood of repulsive ghouls from beyond the stars upon an unprepared world while she does that. But the most basic tenets of the Cthulu mythos tell us that almost nothing else can happen when well intentioned scientists go poking their noses in places feared by the Elder Things.
Bell will keep in touch with Scientific American during her trip, no doubt until the team's last transmission breaks up amid blood-curdling screams and pleas for mercy. But hey, that first Shoggoth sighting is going to be pure media gold... for like ten minutes, until the awakened beasts rush free from their bleak prison at the bottom of the planet, turning the world into a charnel house where the living envy the dead. That's something, right?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
The Further Adventures of Winners and Losers
What's this? A recurring feature? I'm as surprised as you are. Without further ado, I present this weeks winners and losers.
First, the winners:
AIDS Patients - A Berlin man who suffered from HIV and leukemia shows no signs of either disease after an experimental gene therapy in which he received a bone marrow transplant from an HIV resistant donor. As with any good news about treatments for terminal diseases, this news needs to be taken with a grain of salt, and the results may eventually turn out be a total fluke. But they may also be a big step toward saving a lot of lives the world over. So what's the harm in being guardedly optimistic and giving this one three cheers?
Adolescent Thugs - Why are kids so cruel sometimes? Turns out, the answer may be astonishingly simple: because it feels good. A recent University of Chicago study of aggressive youths showed that, when the subjects were shown video footage of people being hurt, the parts of their brain that reacts to rewards lit up like a Christmas tree. The same results were not repeated in non-aggressive subjects, suggesting that these results do demonstrate some neurological difference rather than a 'Three Stooges effect,' in which subjects feel rewarded by watching people have a piano lid closed on their fingers because... well, it's sort of hilarious.
Astrozeneca - The pharmaceutical giant with the coolest name was a big winner this week when a study suggested that popular cholesterol reducing statin drugs like AZ's Crestor could dramatically lower the risk of heart attacks and strokes, even in people who don't have high cholesterol. With sites like ABC practically wetting themselves over the study (which, by the way, was sponsored by Astrozeneca and was ended early), sales are bound to skyrocket as doctors are deluged with patients demanding they be fed a drug designed to treat an ailment they don't suffer from. And if history is any teacher, these people will get it. The only question is whether the coming drastic over-prescription of statin drugs will have any negative effects. I mean, what could go wrong?
And now for the rest of the story - this weeks losers:
Stupid America Hating Whales - The Supreme Court of the United States has issued a decision this week stating that national security trumps environmental protection. National security here is represented by Navy sonar testing that was halted by a lower court earlier this year after the sonar noise was proven detrimental to the health of local whales. According to SCOTUS, though, the whales, who have been known to suffer from decompression sickness after being driven too swiftly to the surface by the cacophony produced by sonar, are on their own. The Navy, by the same token is now free to keep broadcasting the sweet sounds of pure, uncut sonar freedom into the ocean, and you can bet they're cranking those speakers this week as they train to detect the latest generation of silent running submarines almost certainly destined for our shores right now, using pods of communist gray whales for cover.
Russian Churches - Now, I'm an avowed agnostic, if you can be such a thing. I'm also a fairly morally bankrupt guy. But even I have to draw the line somewhere, and it seems like stealing an entire church is just a bit much. I mean, really, you have to be incredibly fucking certain that there is no God to pull something like this, which is becoming more and more common throughout Russia.
The Maldives - And while a few Russian villages might have to invest in new churches, that really does pale in comparison to having to buy an entire new country. That's the situation that the Maldives, the lowest nation in the world, finds themselves in. With climate change pushing sea levels further and further upwards, residents of the island nation are experiencing a distinct sinking feeling. The solution - buy a new country and move the Maldives there! Not to be flippant about a serious situation, but, well... Simpsons did it.
First, the winners:
AIDS Patients - A Berlin man who suffered from HIV and leukemia shows no signs of either disease after an experimental gene therapy in which he received a bone marrow transplant from an HIV resistant donor. As with any good news about treatments for terminal diseases, this news needs to be taken with a grain of salt, and the results may eventually turn out be a total fluke. But they may also be a big step toward saving a lot of lives the world over. So what's the harm in being guardedly optimistic and giving this one three cheers?
Adolescent Thugs - Why are kids so cruel sometimes? Turns out, the answer may be astonishingly simple: because it feels good. A recent University of Chicago study of aggressive youths showed that, when the subjects were shown video footage of people being hurt, the parts of their brain that reacts to rewards lit up like a Christmas tree. The same results were not repeated in non-aggressive subjects, suggesting that these results do demonstrate some neurological difference rather than a 'Three Stooges effect,' in which subjects feel rewarded by watching people have a piano lid closed on their fingers because... well, it's sort of hilarious.
Astrozeneca - The pharmaceutical giant with the coolest name was a big winner this week when a study suggested that popular cholesterol reducing statin drugs like AZ's Crestor could dramatically lower the risk of heart attacks and strokes, even in people who don't have high cholesterol. With sites like ABC practically wetting themselves over the study (which, by the way, was sponsored by Astrozeneca and was ended early), sales are bound to skyrocket as doctors are deluged with patients demanding they be fed a drug designed to treat an ailment they don't suffer from. And if history is any teacher, these people will get it. The only question is whether the coming drastic over-prescription of statin drugs will have any negative effects. I mean, what could go wrong?
And now for the rest of the story - this weeks losers:
Stupid America Hating Whales - The Supreme Court of the United States has issued a decision this week stating that national security trumps environmental protection. National security here is represented by Navy sonar testing that was halted by a lower court earlier this year after the sonar noise was proven detrimental to the health of local whales. According to SCOTUS, though, the whales, who have been known to suffer from decompression sickness after being driven too swiftly to the surface by the cacophony produced by sonar, are on their own. The Navy, by the same token is now free to keep broadcasting the sweet sounds of pure, uncut sonar freedom into the ocean, and you can bet they're cranking those speakers this week as they train to detect the latest generation of silent running submarines almost certainly destined for our shores right now, using pods of communist gray whales for cover.
Russian Churches - Now, I'm an avowed agnostic, if you can be such a thing. I'm also a fairly morally bankrupt guy. But even I have to draw the line somewhere, and it seems like stealing an entire church is just a bit much. I mean, really, you have to be incredibly fucking certain that there is no God to pull something like this, which is becoming more and more common throughout Russia.
The Maldives - And while a few Russian villages might have to invest in new churches, that really does pale in comparison to having to buy an entire new country. That's the situation that the Maldives, the lowest nation in the world, finds themselves in. With climate change pushing sea levels further and further upwards, residents of the island nation are experiencing a distinct sinking feeling. The solution - buy a new country and move the Maldives there! Not to be flippant about a serious situation, but, well... Simpsons did it.
Parliament! Fight! Parliament! Fight!
Eager to prove that monks aren't the only ones who can stage an ill conceived and ultimately embarassing brawl in a completely inappropriate setting, the Ukranian Parliament erupted into a row earlier this week.
The fight began when members of the Orange coalition tried to block Victor Yanukovich, the leader of the new parliaments majority coalition, from being named prime minister. Rather than using traditional parliamentary techniques like denying a quorum, however, Orange coalition members engaged in heckling and egg throwing before the chambers of Ukraine's upper house turned into a battle royal.
The fight began when members of the Orange coalition tried to block Victor Yanukovich, the leader of the new parliaments majority coalition, from being named prime minister. Rather than using traditional parliamentary techniques like denying a quorum, however, Orange coalition members engaged in heckling and egg throwing before the chambers of Ukraine's upper house turned into a battle royal.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
News Rundown: The Giant Sucking Sound, The Return of the King and a Girl's Two Best Friends
I hope you're in the mood for ominous news, because there's plenty to go around these days. But where to start? How about these apples: a distant cluster of galaxies is moving at a regular, measurable speed independent of the expansion of the universe, leading some scientists to suspect that it is subject to the massive gravitational pull of matter beyond the observable universe. The phenomenon has been dubbed 'dark flow,' and, since it seems constant across billions of light years, there's good reason to suspect that it affects everything in the visible universe. Yes, even you. Pragmatically, this means astonishingly little, being that the effect works on a cosmic time scale, so by the time this has any effect on out galaxy, we'll all have been dead for eons.So that's something. But it does mean that the next time you have one of those days where you feel like you're being pulled inexorably towards a swirling, unknowable nether region... well, you might be onto something.
Jarring news like this is bound to send people scrambling for comfort and tradition. Nowhere is this more clear than Russia, which continued it's unnerving nostalgia for tsarist times this week as the nation's Duma assembly hurried to draft legislation, expected to be handily enacted into law tomorrow, that would extend the term of the Russian presidency from four to six years. This would allow Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to serve up to another twelve years as president, a move that is beginning to look like it may come sooner rather than later. Putin's official return to Russia's highest office was always a foregone conclusion, but it was generally accepted that he would allow current president Dmitry Medvedev to keep his seat warm for a full four year term. In the face of tough economic times and stressful relations with neighbors like Georgia and the international community at large, it would seem likely that the plan has changed, and some Kremlin experts expect that Putin may return to the presidency before the end of the year.
On the other hand, science has finally mastered that most sought after of all alchemical wonders... the transmutation of tequila into diamonds. Sure, you need an electron microscope to see the diamonds that are produced, but what do you really expect for a jewel that's been synthetically crafted from $3 a bottle hooch? Though considering the state of the economy at the moment, reversing the process may end up being more cost efficient and practical in not too long.
Jarring news like this is bound to send people scrambling for comfort and tradition. Nowhere is this more clear than Russia, which continued it's unnerving nostalgia for tsarist times this week as the nation's Duma assembly hurried to draft legislation, expected to be handily enacted into law tomorrow, that would extend the term of the Russian presidency from four to six years. This would allow Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to serve up to another twelve years as president, a move that is beginning to look like it may come sooner rather than later. Putin's official return to Russia's highest office was always a foregone conclusion, but it was generally accepted that he would allow current president Dmitry Medvedev to keep his seat warm for a full four year term. In the face of tough economic times and stressful relations with neighbors like Georgia and the international community at large, it would seem likely that the plan has changed, and some Kremlin experts expect that Putin may return to the presidency before the end of the year.
On the other hand, science has finally mastered that most sought after of all alchemical wonders... the transmutation of tequila into diamonds. Sure, you need an electron microscope to see the diamonds that are produced, but what do you really expect for a jewel that's been synthetically crafted from $3 a bottle hooch? Though considering the state of the economy at the moment, reversing the process may end up being more cost efficient and practical in not too long.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I'm on Standby
After one last gasp of transmissions from Mars just over a week ago, the latest NASA probe, Phoenix, seems to have finally succumbed to the overwhelming cold and darkness of the approaching martian winter.
The mission, which lasted about two months longer than anyone expected and gathered a wealth of new information on Mars' polar region, was a success by any measure, recording snowfall on Mars as well as analyzing soil and ice samples that suggest a history of liquid water on Mars. But with no sunlight to power its solar batteries, it's more than likely that Phoenix has, at this point, become a permanent part of the equally dead martian landscape, prompting the cessation of operations today by NASA officials, who, like a bad ex, will continue to call regularly, not really expecting the probe to answer.
Gladiators...Ready!
In an apparent attempt to beat back the beast known as Hulu, MGM reached a deal with YouTube today to provide full length films and TV shows from the the MGM archives on the seminal video sharing site.
Getting to watch TV for free on the Internet is more or less yesterday's news at this point, and this would be too, except for one thing. MGM's first addition to YouTube will be an "action programming" channel whose flagship show will be classic episodes of the original run of American Gladiators. So for everyone who's been watching the relaunch and saying "Yeah, this is cool, but all I really want to see is Nitro freak out and absolutely wreck a dude at the end of Breakthrough and Conquer," your time is at hand.
One more note on this happy bit of staged-violence flavored news - I don't know who is responsible for sending out the MGM press releases that all the news organizations are regurgitating that note that two classic movies to be shown on YouTube courtesy of the deal are The Magnificent Seven and Bulletproof Monk. In point of fact, that constitutes one classic movie and one absolute suckfest starring Stifler, which has no business being mentioned in the same sentence as the greatest Western of all time.
Getting to watch TV for free on the Internet is more or less yesterday's news at this point, and this would be too, except for one thing. MGM's first addition to YouTube will be an "action programming" channel whose flagship show will be classic episodes of the original run of American Gladiators. So for everyone who's been watching the relaunch and saying "Yeah, this is cool, but all I really want to see is Nitro freak out and absolutely wreck a dude at the end of Breakthrough and Conquer," your time is at hand.
One more note on this happy bit of staged-violence flavored news - I don't know who is responsible for sending out the MGM press releases that all the news organizations are regurgitating that note that two classic movies to be shown on YouTube courtesy of the deal are The Magnificent Seven and Bulletproof Monk. In point of fact, that constitutes one classic movie and one absolute suckfest starring Stifler, which has no business being mentioned in the same sentence as the greatest Western of all time.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Now Challenging Maxim for Bathroom Reading Supremacy
Have you ever found yourself wondering just what the difference between blackwater and graywater? How to modify your ho-hum outhouse into a fabulous fossa alterna? Or are you finally ready to install your own septic system, but don't know where to start?
Look no further than the brand new Compendium of Sanitation Systems and Technologies, a free 158 page tome with more information on the staggering, gag inducing rainbow of diversity that is human waste and it's various methods of disposal than any work of literature since Everyone Poops. From humble holes in the ground to sophisticated sewer systems, the Compendium is the ultimate 'How-To' on sanitation technology, breaking down the pros and cons of every type of toilet, waste transportation and sewage treatment system known to mankind and providing all the knowledge you need to build one from the ground up.
Irresistible lowbrow humor aside, the Compendium, published in part by the Water Supply and Sanitation Collaborative Council promises to be a valuable resource for engineers and planners throughout the developing world, where waterborne diseases are responsible for as many as one of every ten reported illnesses.
Look no further than the brand new Compendium of Sanitation Systems and Technologies, a free 158 page tome with more information on the staggering, gag inducing rainbow of diversity that is human waste and it's various methods of disposal than any work of literature since Everyone Poops. From humble holes in the ground to sophisticated sewer systems, the Compendium is the ultimate 'How-To' on sanitation technology, breaking down the pros and cons of every type of toilet, waste transportation and sewage treatment system known to mankind and providing all the knowledge you need to build one from the ground up.
Irresistible lowbrow humor aside, the Compendium, published in part by the Water Supply and Sanitation Collaborative Council promises to be a valuable resource for engineers and planners throughout the developing world, where waterborne diseases are responsible for as many as one of every ten reported illnesses.
Monk! Fight! Monk! Fight!
This probably isn't the most hilarious thing I've ever seen, but I'm hard pressed to come up with anything that beats it off the top of my head. The Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem plays host to this bench-clearing brawl between Armenian and Greek Orthodox monks that would do the NHL proud.
The fight started over a standing quarrel between the Greek and Armenian monks, who share an often tense responsibility for the church with four other sects. After a Greek monk apparently attempted to occupy the Edicule, which is purported to hold Christ's tomb, during the Armenian monks' celebration of the Feast of the Cross. What began as a peaceful protest swiftly degenerated into an old fashioned donnybrook - featuring the servants of God. Though to be fair, if you're going to get engaged in fisticuffs over something, who gets to hang out with Jesus is a pretty solid bone of contention.
Will the pope be handing down suspensions and fines to the monks involved? And who's side is God on here? We may never know these answers, but one thing is for certain: as noble as living one's life in devoted and pious service to God is, the dude in the red robe missed his true calling as a cage fighter. Just sayin'.
The fight started over a standing quarrel between the Greek and Armenian monks, who share an often tense responsibility for the church with four other sects. After a Greek monk apparently attempted to occupy the Edicule, which is purported to hold Christ's tomb, during the Armenian monks' celebration of the Feast of the Cross. What began as a peaceful protest swiftly degenerated into an old fashioned donnybrook - featuring the servants of God. Though to be fair, if you're going to get engaged in fisticuffs over something, who gets to hang out with Jesus is a pretty solid bone of contention.
Will the pope be handing down suspensions and fines to the monks involved? And who's side is God on here? We may never know these answers, but one thing is for certain: as noble as living one's life in devoted and pious service to God is, the dude in the red robe missed his true calling as a cage fighter. Just sayin'.
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