The Unceasing Nightmare That Is... Winners and Losers

This week has seen significantly more winners than losers. But does that make it a good week? I'll let you be the judge of that. Submitted for your approval, this week's winners and losers, starting, as is becoming habitual, with the winners.

American Comedy - On the frozen tundra of Minnesota, former SNL scribe Al Franken continues to close the narrow gap between himself and incumbent Norm Coleman in the North Star States hotly contested senatorial race. The state mandated recount is drawing plenty of fire from both sides of the aisle, and this one will likely go right down to the wire. But really, whether or not Franken will make a good Senator is not the reason to root for him here. Rather, as a friend of mine pointed out, anything that keeps Al busy with something that's not writing comedy is, by default, a good thing for the world at the end of the day. So hold a good thought that every one's favorite nasally voiced progressive pulls this one out.


Disfigured Dudes - As many of us suspected, Evel Knievel was right all along - studies at the University of Liverpool demonstrate that women looking for flings find facial scarring attractive in men. Why? Because it demonstrates high levels of testosterone, a hormone long associated with a subject's overall dudeliness. And since we already know that bones heal and pain is fleeting, can an in depth study of whether glory is, in fact, forever, be far behind? Not in a world of responsible science, it can't.

Transplant Patients - Claudia Castillo Sanchez has a new lease on life thanks to a first of it's kind windpipe transplant. What's so special about this particular fleshy tube? Well, if the transplant had been done conventionally, Sanchez's body would likely have rejected the organ. But after Spanish doctors bathed the trachea in stem cells obtained from Sanchez's own cartilage, the 30 year old tuberculosis victim's body had the desired reaction; it mistook the donor trachea for Sanchez's own, and welcomed it to a happy home without complication to thanks to the staggering knuckle-draggers at budget airline Easy Jet. So let's hear three cheers for a possible end to those incredibly fucking scary trachea ring microphones, everyone!

Stoners - While gingko biloba may not ward off the effects of Alzheimer's, a University of Ohio study suggests that another herb known to work wonders on the human psyche may have one more use. Indeed, far from bringing on bouts of reefer madness, marijuana, like crossword puzzles, may fight the effects of memory loss and even promote the production of new brain cells. Take that, every after school special and guidance counselor ever!


Pygmy Tarsiers - If people thought that you were extinct, and it turned out... not so much? You get counted as a winner. Congratulations to the pygmy tarsier, which has suction cup fingers, can swivel it's head 180 degrees, looks like a living stuffed animal, and has not vanished from the face of the earth after all. Good on, little guys!

And now, for this week's loser:

The Entire Fucking Human Race – The end is nigh! Repent all ye sinners, for the time of judgment is at hand! I know sometimes it seems like everything is out to get us, but right now, it really, really seems like everything is out to get us. First of all, remember those robots in the Terminator flicks? Well, if IBM has it's way, computers that mimic human brain patterns, but, naturally, in an enhanced manner will be pulling the puppet strings of our pitiful, fleshy society sooner rather than later. Meanwhile, Antarctica continues to threaten the safety of the planet by the mere fact of it's existence. Evidence of dark matter has been found by a helium balloon floating above Antarctica. While this may be evidence of cosmic beams, dark matter, or something else entirely, one thing is for sure - something (we don't know what) that's fairly close to the Earth is emitting particles that we've never seen before. While this isn't necessarily dangerous in itself, taken in conjunction with this ill-advised trek to Antarctica's ice encrusted, unexplored mountain range, this is almost certainly evidence of a coming cosmic disaster of mind-bending, flesh rending proportions. And if we can somehow defeat legions of rubbery, betentacled star spawn and mad super-computers bent on world domination, we're all probably still doomed. That's because, a few Birkenstock clad trust-funders aside, we all eat food that's covered in pesticides. A new report issued by the University of Pittsburgh warns that some common pesticides may be reasonably safe on their own, but may pose a threat to human health when even they are combined, even at low levels. So, from now on, if you can help it, it would probably be safer for you to not eat anything from anywhere, use an electronic device, or be on the same planet as Antarctica. Cheers!

Parliament! Fight! Parliament! Fight!

Eager to prove that monks aren't the only ones who can stage an ill conceived and ultimately embarassing brawl in a completely inappropriate setting, the Ukranian Parliament erupted into a row earlier this week.

The fight began when members of the Orange coalition tried to block Victor Yanukovich, the leader of the new parliaments majority coalition, from being named prime minister. Rather than using traditional parliamentary techniques like denying a quorum, however, Orange coalition members engaged in heckling and egg throwing before the chambers of Ukraine's upper house turned into a battle royal.

News Rundown: The Giant Sucking Sound, The Return of the King and a Girl's Two Best Friends

I hope you're in the mood for ominous news, because there's plenty to go around these days. But where to start? How about these apples: a distant cluster of galaxies is moving at a regular, measurable speed independent of the expansion of the universe, leading some scientists to suspect that it is subject to the massive gravitational pull of matter beyond the observable universe. The phenomenon has been dubbed 'dark flow,' and, since it seems constant across billions of light years, there's good reason to suspect that it affects everything in the visible universe. Yes, even you. Pragmatically, this means astonishingly little, being that the effect works on a cosmic time scale, so by the time this has any effect on out galaxy, we'll all have been dead for eons.So that's something. But it does mean that the next time you have one of those days where you feel like you're being pulled inexorably towards a swirling, unknowable nether region... well, you might be onto something.

Jarring news like this is bound to send people scrambling for comfort and tradition. Nowhere is this more clear than Russia, which continued it's unnerving nostalgia for tsarist times this week as the nation's Duma assembly hurried to draft legislation, expected to be handily enacted into law tomorrow, that would extend the term of the Russian presidency from four to six years. This would allow Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to serve up to another twelve years as president, a move that is beginning to look like it may come sooner rather than later. Putin's official return to Russia's highest office was always a foregone conclusion, but it was generally accepted that he would allow current president Dmitry Medvedev to keep his seat warm for a full four year term. In the face of tough economic times and stressful relations with neighbors like Georgia and the international community at large, it would seem likely that the plan has changed, and some Kremlin experts expect that Putin may return to the presidency before the end of the year.

On the other hand, science has finally mastered that most sought after of all alchemical wonders... the transmutation of tequila into diamonds. Sure, you need an electron microscope to see the diamonds that are produced, but what do you really expect for a jewel that's been synthetically crafted from $3 a bottle hooch? Though considering the state of the economy at the moment, reversing the process may end up being more cost efficient and practical in not too long.

The Week's Other Winners and Losers

In the wake of Tuesday's historic U.S. presidential election, it would be easy to overlook the rest of the weeks news, but there were a few other big victories and notable setbacks this week.

Let's start with the winners:

Old School Reptiles - A nest of tuatara eggs was discovered in a wildlife sanctuary near Wellington, New Zealand. This marks the first evidence of wild breeding of tuataras on the main island in nearly two centuries, and could be the start of a comeback for this ancient reptile which has been on the verge of extinction since the introduction of Polynesian rats to it's habitat in the 1700's. Kudos to you, you dragon-like reptile with a scale covered third eye, and many happy returns.

Endangered Species and Potential Woolly Mammoths - Japanese scientists at the RIKEN Center for Developmental Biology have successfully cloned a mouse from cells that had been frozen for 16 years. While earlier similar experiments have also proven successful, this is the first time that a clone has been created from cells not chemically treated for preservation. This is one more small step forward in cloning technology that could rescue critically endangered species from extinction with just a cabinet freezer and a Hefty bag, according to Robert Lanza of Advanced Cell Technology. It may not be glamorous, but hey, don't knock results, right?
Less pragmatically, it means that the future cloning of long extinct but preserved animals "is no longer science fiction," according to Teruhiko Wakayama, the project's leader. Sadly, Michael Crichton won't be around to see it. R.I.P.

The Internet - While Barack Obama and Democrats nationwide were busily wiping the floor with an ailing GOP, the FCC unanimously approved the opening of the existing 'white space' TV spectrum to broadband providers. The opening of the spectrum, which can deliver a more powerful, Uber-Wi-Fi signal without significantly interfering with television broadcasts, may well usher in a new generation of peer to peer wireless devices and, more importantly, provide under served rural and urban areas with affordable, reliable Internet access.

And lest we get to full of ourselves, a reminder that even after a good week, things ain't all rainbows and kittens. Here's a small selection of the week's losers:

The Environment, At Least in the U.S. - No Longer content simply to fiddle while Rome burns, the Bush administration is spending it's waning days in power taking a flame thrower to federal environmental protections. The administration's current proposals include easing power plant emissions standards, giving a helping hand to the incredibly hazardous practice of mountaintop coal mining and, oh yeah, lowering safety standards for drinking water. So for all you liberals rejoicing in an Obama win and asking "How much damage can Bush do in less than three months?" - the answer is quite a lot, especially since the proposed rules may prove exceptionally difficult to undo.

European Particle Physicists - Illinois' Tevatron particle accelerator may have stolen some thunder from CERN's Large Hadron Collider when it's CDF experiment released a 70 page paper detailing a statistically significant number of experiments which suggest the presence of previously undetected fundamental particles. It's very early to think that they've actually discovered a new particle or process, especially considering that nearly a third of the experiment's 600 participants refused to sign the paper, suggesting that more testing needed to be done. But to their credit, CDF isn't making any claims - they're just presenting a set of data that's interesting, exciting, and could be a huge discovery. And could also be nothing - time will tell.

Fantastic Four Fans - A manned trip to Mars just got a lot safer for astronauts, as researchers have used computer simulations to show that a portable magnetic field generator that could be easily worked into spacecraft design would likely protect the ship's crew from the hazardous effects of 'space weather' they would almost certainly encounter during the lengthy trip to the red planet. And while I'm all for protecting these brave explorers from bombardment by solar wind and cosmic rays, one has to wonder - who's going to save the planet from an army of long forgotten underground beasts when these folks return without super powers?

The Fourth Quarter Drive

News from the land of "Better Late Than Never" - as the Obama campaign concentrates on (and struggles?) to bring young and first time voters to the polls sooner rather than later, Errol Morris has launched People in the Middle for Obama, a late in the day ad campaign that hopes to push remaining fence-sitters into the Democratic camp.

The site features Errol Morris' interviews with "real people" in the center of the political spectrum, telling the filmmaker and viewers why they are voting for Barack Obama. Each interview with a self identified Democrat or Republican voter is framed by the same featureless white backdrop and simple, carousel style musical tune, displaying Morris' signature minimalist style. But content-wise, there's really not a lot new here, with voters talking about being tired of negative campaigning, scared of the state of the economy, etc. And even stylistically, these shorts pale in comparison to Morris' body of short works, like Mayo, which was somehow overlooked for an Oscar.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone by Errol Morris, a groups of Peruvian medicine men has thrown their support behind Obama as well, the BBC reports. And while they may not be a huge constituency here in the states, if there are shamans out there practicing magic and dispelling evil spirits, it's good to know that they're on your side, right?